Which Situation Nearly Breaks Me Every Time

I feel like for many aspec folks, there are certain relationships or situations that our identity affects us much stronger than others. Even those of us who have fully embraced and feel confident in our identity, we still have those momentary setbacks, those times that we need to walk away.

Mine is a tough one to swallow, and I always know when it’s coming up months in advance.

I’m the only son in my family. The youngest of four- three sisters before me. There’s a lot of expectations that come with that. There’s so many traditions that I’m supposed to carry on because that’s what society says I’m to do. For example, traditions in my family would dictate that one reason for me to get married and have kids is to pass the family name on to another generation.

As a middle school teacher, let me tell you I have no problem not having kids of my own. Simply put, I don’t want that role for myself. I don’t see that life for me, and I say that with the upmost respect for both my students and their parents. I just don’t think that’s a life that fits me. I don’t see anything wrong with that, either.

But that one thing, that one moment that still stings — the idea that I won’t get married one day. Again, it’s not something I feel a need to do for myself. But it’s not about how I feel about it. It’s about how other people do.

There’s a moment at weddings. The bride dances with her father. Then the groom dances with his mother. My father’s gotten that moment twice, going on three times. But because I’m me, because I’m aromantic and not interested in getting married, my own mother won’t get that moment. And that’s my fault.

I’ve been the best man in three different weddings. But that moment, whether I’m in the wedding party or a guest, whenever the groom is about to dance with his mother, I always find some reason to slip away. I just can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to stand there and pretend like it doesn’t break my heart that for reasons that she doesn’t understand because it’s not her experience, my mom won’t get that moment.

I have many memorable moments with my mom. And I have danced with her just over a year ago. She’s the person who introduced me to The Beatles when I was a kid, and as an adult, I took her to see Ringo Starr in person last year. And we danced the night away, singing along to every song.

I can’t give her the dance I’m supposed to give her. I just hope the night with Ringo was enough. I hope that I am enough just the way I am. I hope she understands, because I don’t know how or if I could ever tell her this. I just want to be enough.