Boundaries During Holidays
As I’m writing this, it’s currently December 24. I just finished wrapping some gifts for my nieces and nephews, and I’ve got a fantastic Twitch streamer I just discovered playing in the background. I highly suggest checking this creator out: negaoryx. She’s fostered a fantastic community with a lively chat and openly has discussed her being demisexual, even with aspec emotes. It’s helping to fill the quiet today.
That said, tomorrow I’ll be spending the day with my family. Granted, my family is used to my being single, childless, etc. We stopped getting together with the aunts, uncles, and cousins years ago now that my siblings all have significant others and kids of their own, making for a fairly large group ourselves. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced my share of the invasive questions over the years. Reflecting on that last year, I actually wrote a poem that will be in my upcoming book Limitless titled “holiday questions”:
“You don’t have to answer;
you can just let it slide.
You know what’s in your heart-
Let the truth be your guide.
I know I’m not alone in this,
the identity I once denied.
I’m aromantic asexual,
a spectrum deep and wide.”
Still, the fear of having to confront those questions can certainly get to the best of us. I’ve been there. I remember three years ago, I was so worried about it, I actually had a panic attack the night before. The morning after Christmas, I was supposed to travel to Nashville with my parents, nephews, sister, and brother-in-law. I felt so in my own head because everyone around me was getting married and having their own kids — all my friends my own age that I grew up with — that I felt alone and honestly terrified of having to explain it all. My chest hurt, and I couldn’t breathe. I started spiraling. I don’t even remember what pulled me through to be honest. I wish I could tell you, but I don’t.
But what I didn’t understand, what escaped my stream of thought, was that I don’t actually owe anyone the details of my identity or my life or my experiences if I don’t want to give them. Ace Dad made a TikTok about this the other day, and it’s been on my mind ever since. Learning that I don’t have to explain it, that I don’t have to answer those questions, that I can make boundaries on what I’m willing to discuss and what I’m not, made a huge impact on me.
I did end up going on that trip with my family, and it wasn’t anything like what I worried about. Sometimes, things are actually okay. Sometimes, we don’t have to let those fears in. It’s a hard thing to learn, but it’s in you too.
“I don’t let those questions bother me;
I’ll ignore them now in stride,
and this year when I celebrate,
I’ll do so with aroace pride.”
Happy holidays everyone! You deserve to celebrate and to be celebrated.
